Minstrel: [singing]
Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir Robin:
*No!*
Minstrel: [singing]
bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin:
*I didn't!*
Minstrel: [singing]
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin:
*I never did!*
Minstrel: [singing]
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin:
*Oh, you liars!*
Minstrel: [singing]
Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
King of Swamp Castle:
Listen, Alice...
Prince Herbert:
Herbert.
King of Swamp Castle:
Herbert...
God:
What are you doing now?
King Arthur:
Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God:
Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!
Sir Lancelot:
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad:
I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot:
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad:
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot:
No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad:
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot:
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad:
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot:
No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad:
I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot:
Am not.
Minstrel: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
[after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off]
King Arthur:
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight:
'Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur:
A scratch? Your arm's off.
Black Knight:
No it isn't.
King Arthur:
What's that, then?
Black Knight:
[after a pause] I've had worse.
King Arthur:
You liar.
Black Knight:
Come on ya pansy.
[King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off]
Black Knight:
Okay, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur: [Preparing to leave]
Come, Patsy.
[King Arthur and Patsy ride off]
Black Knight: [calling after King Arthur]
Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Sir Bedevere:
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1:
Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere:
Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1:
Burn them.
Sir Bedevere:
And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1:
More witches.
Peasant 2:
Wood.
Sir Bedevere:
Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3:
...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere:
Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1:
Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere:
But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1:
Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere:
Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1:
No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere:
No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1:
Bread.
Peasant 2:
Apples.
Peasant 3:
Very small rocks.
Peasant 1:
Cider.
Peasant 2:
Gravy.
Peasant 3:
Cherries.
Peasant 1:
Mud.
Peasant 2:
Churches.
Peasant 3:
Lead! Lead!
King Arthur:
A Duck.
Sir Bedevere:
...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1:
If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere:
And therefore...
Peasant 2:
...A witch!
King of Swamp Castle:
You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot:
Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle:
Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot:
Oh dear... is he all right?
King of Swamp Castle:
When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.
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